That's Life...

Life is just that, life. It takes inumerable forms at any given time.

I had recently gotten the job. I had only been there a couple of months. Someone told me there was a new assistant manager. He had been transferred in from another store. I was ringing someone's order up when I made a mistake and had to call for a manager's key. To this day I don't remember what it was that I said to him. I just remember I thought it was stupid, stupid enough to make a 28 year old have a sudden hot flash. Of course it also may have had something to do with the fact that I had suddenly swallowed my tongue. You see, I don't remember meeting him before that and I think I would have definitely remembered. He was cute, tall, and on top of that he also seemed to be a really nice guy. Whatever it was that I had said hadn't seemed to bother him. He came and helped me with a smile on his face. A gorgeous, cute, handsome smile.

After that I seemed to almost have a built-in radar for Martin. He was such a nice guy. He treated everyone like he would want to be treated. I'd watch him walk around doing projects in the store. He was always working. He'd never ask you to do something that he wouldn't do himself. If he was there, it made the shift go quicker. I'd find myself watching him and wondering if that area in the front of his hair naturally stood up a little or if it was because he pushed it back a lot.

I already had a good-sized crush on him. Of course the only person that knew that besides me was my roommate. I think I probably gave myself away when I would regularly stop paying attention to what I was doing in order to inconspicuously watch him walk by. One day I went to take my break and he was in the breakroom having his lunch. I started talking to him, when I realized that he was praying. He was saying grace. I immediately apologized for interrupting him. He assured me it was okay and then finished. I was amazed. I couldn't tell you the last time that I had seen someone say grace, let alone in public. That really impressed me. Most people don't have the guts to do it. I may have not been into religion but I respected that he was following his beliefs without making others feel like they were imposing or trying to stuff it down their throats. Don't get me wrong. I completely believed in God. He'd gotten me through alot. I just had never been one for organized religion. For some reason my beliefs had always been a very private thing for me. Even though it wasn't something that I would have been doing, I really admired Martin for not being afraid to follow his beliefs even when he was in public. So now my ever-growing crush is joined by admiration and respect.

Work had become an enjoyable experience when Martin was there. I didn't even have to be working directly with him. Just having him in the store was soothing to me. Of course all of these feelings were getting me nowhere. Why would he ever want to do anything with me? Yes, I might be a nice person. In fact a good person. I really care about people. But that good person happens to be wrapped in a body that is overweight and a little top-heavy. I'm not bad looking but I don't have beauty pageant body. He's so good looking he could date anyone. Why would he ever go out with me? I'm the kind of person that everyone wants to be a friend with but no one seems to want to date. Even if my appearance was something that by some miracle didn't matter to him, I had found out that he was eight years older than me. To me, that was nothing. I had never dated much but of those that I had, the youngest was probably 10 year my senior. So eight years was nothing. He didn't seem to share the feeling. I had overheard him talking with one of the other employees and he teasingly said that I was really young. I was crushed. Oh well, though. If I have no chance at ever dating him then I can at least relax and focus on being a friend.

Another Day...

Sorry to cut it short yesterday. I should probably worn you that is going to happen a lot. You know how yesterday I was going to tell you something later? Well I guess this is as good a time as any. I have chronic fatigue and immunodisfunction syndrome as well as fibromyalgia. Most people just shorten it to chronic fatigue. And fibromyalgia? Most people shorten that to "Fibro..what?". Chronic fatigue has gone by some other names as well, such as Epstein Barr. As I understand it, the virus in mononeucliosis is also present in chronic fatigue. It's called the Epstein Barr virus. Calling it chronic fatigue is a little bit of a misnomer. It's as you think...people with CFIDs are tired a lot, sometimes all the time. But it's so much more than that. I think this is the part that people don't know or don't understand. CFIDS means tired. CFIDS can also mean weakness and exhaustion lasting more than 24 hours. It can mean sleeping but waking unrefreshed. It can mean short-term memory and concentration problems that can be severe. It can mean muscle pain as well as pain in the joints that isn't accompanied by swelling. It can mean headaches that are new or different. It can mean sore throats and lymph nodes in the armpit/neck area. Those are the most common symptoms. Others that can be present, but may not be quite as common, include: problems being able to find words or comprehend and retain what is read, inability to calculate numbers, the impairment of speech and/or reasoning, vision problems that may include blurring, light sensitivity,eye pain, and frequent prescription changes; psychological difficulties including depression, irritability, anxiety, panic attacks, personality changes, and mood swings; chills and night sweats; shortness of breath; dizziness and balance problems; sensitivity to heat and/or cold; alcohol intolerance; irregular heartbeat; abdominal pain due to diarrhea, constipation, and/or intestinal gas; low-grade fever or low body temperature; numbness, tingling and burning sensations in the face or extremities; dryness of the mouth and eyes; gynecological problems including PMS and....wait for it....endometriosis... ; chest pains; rashes; ringing in the ears; allergies and sensitivities to noise/sound, odors, chemicals and medications; weight changes without changes in diet; light-headedness; mental fogginess; fainting; muscle twitches; and seizures. Unfortunately, I have a majority of these symptoms at any given time. Obviously with most of these symptoms, you know you have them. They can make your daily life anywhere from a mild pain in the ass to a living hell. Some, however, you may not know exist. In some ways, these are the most detrimental. I'm referring to endometriosis. It's one of the reasons I am writing this story. It's one of the reasons I am at this place in my life and why I've unknowingly dragged my dear husband along for what can only be descibed as nothing like the toad's wild ride.

It's the Beginning...Or So I Thought

Where did the time go? In some ways it seems like yesterday that we were just starting to date and experience this wonderful new feeling of maybe we'd finally found someone to share our time, our hopes and dreams, our lives with. Blink! We've been married two years now, just had our anniversary in fact. Yes, the wonderfully new feeling of dating was nice but it's even better now. Now we've got the ever-growing warmth of trust and hope solidly in our hearts. We know we can be ourselves with each other even if that isn't so pretty sometimes (Okay, so I could do without the obvious farting in front of me instead of going to the bathroom to do it). But the good outweighs the ugly by far so it makes it oh so worth it.

We've always been open to the possibility of having a baby come into our lives. We always knew we wanted to have kids, a family. Two or four for me, but not one or three. Everyone deserves to have a sibling and someone always gets left out when there is three. Two for hubby. Seemed to work for him and his brother. Why mess with a good thing? But ultimately we knew it was going to be up to God to decide how large our family was going to grow. We made the decision together before we got married that we wouldn't use birth control. See, hubby was raised Catholic. Using birth control might interfere with God's timing of when we should start our family. I agreed. If God decided that it was time for us to have a baby then He would give us a way to take care of that baby (or babies, who knows?).

So now we've had two years of a married sex life. We only used a condom once and that was because I was going to have to have gall bladder surgery. (Okay, so maybe we're not quite as enlightened as we thought with trusting God and his timing. We just wanted to be sure...) Surgery went okay. Took a little while to come back from (Two weeks recovery my ass!) even though I had it done laprascopically. We've gotten past that now (sort of, but I'll tell you about that later). We're starting to think that maybe it's time to start trying to start a family. We've been open to it all along but haven't actually tried yet.

Well, that's enough for now I think. Kind of lost my energy. Has to do with what I said I'd tell you about later...and I will. Promise! But for now I'm going to go get some other things done, maybe rest a little. Talk to you soon!